Men as allies - Building Gender Balanced Business

• Men are really confused about this stuff.
• Not all men are the same.
• Men aren’t just “men” – they’re also fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, partners, lovers, and friends.
• The overwhelming majority of men want to do the right thing
• There are number of ways for men to enter the conversation about gender equality

As women have made dramatic gains in climbing the corporate ladder, they’ve also been bumping against glass ceilings, confronting long-held stereotypes, confusion and even hostility. Let’s face it: the single greatest obstacle to women’s equality is the behavior and attitudes of men.

But that doesn’t mean that each individual male colleague, co-worker, supervisor, or worker is your enemy, determined to keep you from realizing your goals. In fact, most men are capable of being strong and dependable allies to women. And, what’s more, they may even want to be.

Here, then are five important things to remember:

Men are really confused about this stuff.
Recently a corporate manager at one of my workshops asked if I thought it was all right if he held the door open for a woman, or complimented her on wearing a nice blouse. My first thought was “is this 2008 or 1968? Are we still seriously asking about holding the door?”

I think this points to the type of confusion men feel. Men over 40 (at least) were raised with one set of assumptions about gender in the workplace, and it is in our lifetimes that the rules have changed completely. No wonder we’re confused. We expected a workplace in which we would be competing, basically, against other guys. We’ve staked our definition of masculinity on our abilities to compete successfully, to do well financially, to make a contribution. And here come women demanding that they be treated equally!

Some men have responded defensively, circling the wagons. Most, though, are confused, having been raised one way and now being asked to behave differently. Confusion is a good thing: it means we’re engaged, but don’t know which way to turn. This is doubly tough, since one of the hallmarks of masculinity is never having to ask for directions.

(By the way, I told that manager that most people, women and men, consider it polite to have the door held for them, as long as we don’t assume it also entitles us to any deference as a result. And as a handy rule of thumb, it’s OK to say “nice blouse” if you are looking at it, but not if you are trying to look down it.)

Not all men are the same.
It’s a mistake to assume that just because they’re male, that all men are the same – that they feel or think the same way. The differences among men are much greater than the differences between women and men. For example, many men understand personally what it feels like to be marginalized or the victim of stereotypes. Black men, Latino men, Asian men, gay men, Jewish men, Moslem men, different ethnic groups. Their experience can be the foundation for strong and strategically vital alliances.

Men aren’t just “men” – they’re also fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, partners, lovers, and friends.
Recently, a corporate CEO explained to me how he became involved in gender equality. He was in his mid-60s, and, as he described himself “old fashioned.” But then his daughter, who had an MBA, was hitting the glass ceiling and had even been subjected to some sexual harassment. “That is completely wrong!” he shouted. “We have simply got to do something about this!”

Men enter the discussion about gender equality when they think – and act – as caring fathers, husbands, sons, brothers, friends, etc. We are encouraged to compartmentalize, so that the best workers are considered to be those who are “unencumbered” by family or other outside demands. But when men publicly “come out” as parents, we will want the same sorts of family-friendly workplaces that women have been asking for.

The overwhelming majority of men want to do the right thing
At my workshop on promoting gender equality or preventing sexual harassment, I am constantly amazed by how many men say, in essence, that they really want to create a safe and respectful atmosphere where everyone can flourish. Very few men want to be the bad guy. Most want to do the right thing.

There are number of ways for men to enter the conversation about gender equality
The most important element of the equation is that men need to see that “diversity” is also about them. As long as we think that diversity is only about women, we’ll think that “Diversity Training” is really a synonym for National Be Nice to the Ladies Week. Men need to feel that they are stakeholders in the discussion of gender equality, that men actually have something to gain by supporting it. And here the empirical evidence is overwhelmingly on our side.

For example, it’s obvious that a male manager who promotes equality in his team will get his female employees at their best – more productive, more dedicated, with greater job satisfaction and lower turnover. But it’s equally true that the more egalitarian men are at home – sharing housework and childcare, for example – the healthier and happier are their children and their wives. But what’s more, the men, themselves, are healthier and happier.

If we think of women and men as being from different planets, we will continue to imagine that gender equality is a zero-sum proposition. Only when we realize that we all live on planet Earth can we see that gender equality is a win-win; indeed, only by supporting gender equality can men live the lives we actually say we want to live.